All Over Again
by anna2
Summary: Dawn's POV and thoughts as Tara moves out after Tabula Rasa. Kind of AU now.


Title: All Over Again  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Distribution: This site. Everyone one else, ask first  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing related to BTVS belongs to me. I'm merely using the characters to my own twisted ends.  
  
Feedback: I crave it like you wouldn't believe. [1]Abrewer@flagler.edu  
  
Summary: Dawn's POV and thoughts as Tara moves out after Tabula Rasa. Spoilers for that ep and general season six. You have been warned.  
  
It's like the divorce all over again. I'm standing on the porch this time instead of crying in my room and I'm 15, not nine. But I feel just like I felt when Dad left. And now there is no Mom to go to for comfort and no older sister to cry all over. Mom's dead and Buffy's probably shagging Spike right now. And I'm standing here watching Tara move her things out.  
  
I don't really blame her for leaving. Willow's getting into some Very Bad Magic that almost got all of us killed tonight. I know that Tara's been trying to get through to her for a long time about being responsible with magic and that Willow has responded twice by making her forget they were fighting. Even as I'm storming up the stairs away from Tara's good-bye, I'm not mad at her. I'm just afraid that I'll start crying and she'll feel bad about leaving. I don't want her to feel bad about this anymore than she already does. I'll call her or something tomorrow and explain.  
  
I don't want Tara to go. If she and Willow are breaking up, then I think Willow should move out. After Buffy died, when I said it was okay for them to move in, Tara was really the one who did the `mom' thing. She was the one who made sure I ate breakfast and did my homework for summer school and acted almost like my mom. Willow tried, but she never really got into the whole `parent' thing. It was Tara who filled that role. I'm going to miss her so much. She actually knew what it was like to have your mother die and I could talk to her about all the bad feelings welling up in whenever I thought about Buffy or Mom. I guess I can still talk to her, but it won't be the same.  
  
I can't talk to her about Buffy either. I'm so scared for my sister right now that I can hardly stand to think about it. I know Buffy was in Heaven; her confession in the Bronze wasn't exactly subtle. But no one will say anything to me about it. I'm not expecting my sister come to me and tell me just how horrible it for her here. I've got a pretty good idea of how miserable she is. I hear her every night, trying to stifle her screams from the nightmares that torment her. I see her squinting in the sun because it hurts her eyes, even with sunglasses. I see how she doesn't eat very much because too much food makes her nauseous. I can see that day-by-day she's losing her will to live, not that she's has much to begin with. I wish her friends could see that as well. I think Tara and Xander are starting to realize. That's another reason I want Tara to stay and Willow to go. Willow won't realize what's wrong with Buffy until she's already dead. And she'll never realize that it was  
mostly her fault. I know who had the idea to resurrect my sister and I know she pressured the others into going along with it. I'm not excusing them, but I know she was the ringleader.  
  
I have nightmares too. About the tower and Glory and when Ben agreed that I should die so he could live. The newest one is about the night Buffy came back. When I found her on the tower and had to talk her out of jumping. When she asked me "is this hell?". In my dreams, I can't talk her down in time and I have to watch her jump all over again. I have to see her fall to the ground and die again. And just like before, there is nothing I can do about it.  
  
That's the nightmare that's going to come true. I can feel it deep inside me, in the part of me that is the Key. My sister is going to die and soon. She has no reason to keep living. I snuck a look at her diary and I can't blame her for wanting to go back. How could anyone go to Heaven, come back here and not want to leave again? She was at peace before, with Mom and Ms. Calendar and Grandma Rose. She didn't have to be the slayer anymore. I think that was what the best part was for her. That her slaying days were finally over.  
  
I've known about her slaying since before we moved to Sunnydale. Buffy has always written everything in her diary and I use to sneak in and read it on a regular basis. I though she was insane at first, but after I looked in her trunk and saw the stakes, the holy water, the crosses, I realized that it was for real. I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever heard. My sister was a real super hero. Of course I kept the fact that I knew to myself, even though I had a million questions to ask her. I had no desire to get killed for snooping in her stuff.  
  
She hasn't slept well in years. Our parents were fighting a lot, even before she was Called as the slayer and they always waited until they thought we were asleep. I lost count of the times I'd go curled up in Buffy's bed, so she could tell me that everything would be all right. Her behavior after she was Called just made thing worse. They stared fighting during the day as well. I knew it wasn't her fault, but she always blamed herself. Right after we moved here, when our nightmares came true, I did blame her. I stood next to Dad and screamed that she had ruined my life when she broke up our parent's marriage and that like Dad I wanted nothing to do with her. I know now that it was just a nightmare of hers come true, that I didn't really say that but I still feel bad. I never blamed my sister, even thought to this day she still blames herself.  
  
I'm crying now, huddled in a ball on my bed. Tara is gone and Buffy is too badly damaged to deal with me and Mom is dead. I could kill her friends for bringing her back like this, to live with so much pain. Willow comes in but I scream at her to leave, to get out and leave me alone. She's done enough damage. The door clicks closed and I think she's gone. Then weight settles on the bed next to me and I turn in surprise. Buffy is there and she hugs me close, mixing her tears with mine. I see a hickey on her neck, but decide not to say anything. That's her business, and Spike's. Even I know better than to meddle in my sister's love life.  
  
After we sit and sob together for awhile, the tears finally stop. And then we talk. About how scared I am that I'm going to lose her again but if it's too hard for her here then I'll understand if she doesn't want to stay. About how much I'll miss having Tara around and how Willow kind of scares me. This is the first Buffy's heard of Willow's mind tricks and her face darkens in anger as I describe them. I tell her about the shoplifting and the stealing. She's not too happy but tells me she did the same thing when she was my age and that it really is a cry for attention. And how I'm to stop doing it immediately or I'm going to be grounded for the rest of my natural life. For the first time, I see flickers of my sister underneath the dead façade she wears. I tell her why I snuck out at Halloween and what happened with Justin. We share a laugh over how similar it was to her and Angel's first kiss. Without the dusty part. She tells me about Spike and how she feels bad for using  
him. She's not quite sure what she feels for him, but he doesn't deserve to be treated like crap. I tell her that the best way to apologize to him is to buy him hot wings the next time they're at the Bronze. And to tell him what she just told me. She agrees to allow me to research more and to start training me so I can defend myself. After all, she was my age when she was Called and it makes sense for me to at least me able to fight off an attacker. She tells me that she's sorry she left me. I tell her that it's okay, I understand why she did and I'm kind of flattered, in a very twisted way.  
  
We also start making plans for our future. About how Buffy would like to sell the house and start fresh somewhere else. Someplace that wasn't full of past memories. I kind of liked that idea. She says that Willow will not be living with us. I need a stable home life and having people constantly moving in and out was not stable. We agreed to stay in Sunnydale because of the Hellmouth and so I could finish school. And how I really needed to do well there because if I wanted to go to college it was going to take a scholarship. Buffy talked about either going back to school or getting job. In the end we agreed that she needed to get her degree, and that she could do it part-time while working. My end of the bargain was behaving myself and not doing anything that would get Social Services on our case.  
  
It really is like the divorce all over again, because I'm curled up next to my sleeping sister after someone I really cared about had moved out of our house. Even though we've talked and cried, I still feel bad inside and I don't think that feeling will go away for a long time. My sister is still pretty messed up and I know it's going to take a long time before she gets back to normal, if she ever does. But progress was made tonight and for that I have to be thankful. I close my eyes and fall asleep, knowing that my life is still screwy but that it's going to get better.  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:Abrewer@flagler.edu 


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